Only Joking
For years, the young attorney had been taking vacations at a country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talking and talking, and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the object's on display he discovers a detailed, life sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Ah, so; twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and one thousand dollars for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, sir," he replies, "but I'll buy the rat." The transaction is complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from the sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and, as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously. Now, not just thousands but millions of rats. So that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge, a train of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post. Grasping the light post with one arm, he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other; as far out as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Oh, so you've come back for the story of the rat," says the owner. "No, no .. " says the tourist, "I was just wondering if you have a little bronze statue of a lawyer."
A lawyer was visiting a farmer on business. When he stepped out of his Mercedes in the farmyard he stepped into a cow dropping. Looking down he cried "my god I'm melting!"
Guy goes to a restaurant and is confronted with a subpoena. Being frustrated the man says loudly "All Lawyers are Jerks". One guy stands up and says "Hey, I resent that remark". So the guy asks "Are you a lawyer?" The guy responds, "No, I'm a Jerk!"